In a recent fake story about United Airlines being 'over-booked', we can now reveal what really happened. And guess what? It was all down to pretzels!
'Mr X', as we shall call him, refused to eat his complimentary bag of pretzels. It is the airline's policy to ensure everyone eats their bag of pretzels. The reason for doing this is because the company who makes the pretzels refunds the airline 1 dime for every empty bag they return.
But Mr X refused to eat his pretzels. He said they had a 'funny smell' and after tasting one, said they were 'poisonous'.
It is not the first time a passenger has complained. One air stewardess we spoke to, a Ms Barbara Bitchworthy said "We sometime get passengers who refuse to eat their pretzels.
Often we can get extra crew to assist us in force-feeding reluctant passengers, but on this occasion, Mr X was especially resilient in all our attempts to force-feed him."
She continued ... "We had to call airport security to try and make him eat his pretzels, and when he still refused, he was dragged off the plane." But it appears Mr X was desperate to fly, and realising his predicament, agreed to eat his pretzels. "Kill me now", he kept screaming. But it was too late. He had to be removed.
A spokesperson for United Airlines, after hearing of Mr X's ordeal, assured the compliant mainstream media that pretzels usually do not kill people outright.
But there is one previous incident of a former President of the United States almost choking to death on this snack.
And a spokesperson who works for the company making the snacks ('Pussy's Perfect Pretzels') stated that their snacks do not usually result in fatalities, but merely hospitalization on an occasional basis.
United Airlines final statement was on the issue of people trying to avoid eating their pretzels. They said passengers will get up to all sorts of tricks to avoid eating their snacks.
"We even caught someone who had sewn a plastic bag inside his t-shirt and was pretending to eat his snack while, in fact, putting the pretzels inside the bag. But on that occasion, one of our stewards saw what was happening and had the passenger arrested by the police authorities." He added: "The passenger admitted under duress that it was not his first offence, and was found guilty and sentenced under the 'three strikes and you are out' law. The passenger is currently serving a 25-year sentence in a high-security prison especially designed for reluctant snack eaters.
Yes, it appears the rumours may be true. the BBC are touting current leader of the Labour Party, Jeremy Corbyn, as the next incarnation of Dr Who. It will not be such a big step for him as he is often referred to by most of the electorate, as well as some in his Party, as 'Jeremy Who?'.
So, in an attempt to discard himself of some of his back-stabbing, 'closet Tory' enemies, he has decide to leave the party at the end of the year.
However! He will not be free of one of arch-enemies, Andy Burnham. In an attempt to engender genuine loathing and hatred between Dr Who and his main protagonist, 'Davros', Mr Burnham will be signed-up to play a version of the evil and warp-minded and sadistic foe. At least that's how the BBC see this next series.
Actually, the thinking behind the new series is to introduce a cloned version of Davros. Andy Burnham will play this clone and one that Davros tried to create as a younger and more perfect looking version of himself. But after creating this cloned version, the story will take a ironic twist as we see the clone being pushed into a vat of highly corrosive toxic waste (hydrofluorosilic acid) by a malfunctioning Dalek.
What emerges from the vat is a horribly disfigured and badly burned clone who will look even more hideous than his creator. The plot further thickens when the clone murders Davros and takes his place as the master of the Daleks.
An unnamed BBC spokesperson, (who was cleaning the studio's toilets at the time) confidently informed us that Andy Burnham was seen as the perfect person to play the clone - who will now be known as Davros II.
When we further probed the spokesperson (but not in the way some are are 'probed' in gentlemen's toilet facilities), he informed us that Andy Burnham is well-connected at the BBC and that powerful interests at the broadcaster are determined to ensure his good welfare.
The spokesperson concluded that because of Andy Burnham's powerful friends at the BBC, he was regularly allowed to enter the building via the tradesman's entrance and sneak into the toilets where he would brush his teeth with a non-fluoride toothpaste each morning and evening. He then said the reason for this was that Andy Burnham was known to his friends for being linked to a notorious 'gang up North' who are determined to introduce mind-control fluoride chemicals to all UK water supplies using toxic waste. As a consequence, it would be 'bad form' for Andy Burnham to been brushing with a non-fluoride toothpaste.
We await the next series with trepidation, indignation, and fluoridation.
There had to be a reason for Donald Trumps jingoistic behaviour of recent. Now it can be explained.
It appears that the Mekons are taking over the White House with the idea of using America's firepower to start World War III.
The plan is painfully simple. Get the human race to annihilate itself and then just move in and clean up. The world will be left defenceless against the Mekon invasion.
However! Attempts by the Mekons to make themselves look human by using carefully removed human flesh have not been entirely successful. It can be seen from a recent appearance by the White House Press Secretary (Sean Spicer) that the Mekon's inflated heads cannot be completely concealed.
Mr Spicer is obviously one of the abductees and one wonders how many other White House personnel have also been abducted and replaced. For example - is that really Donald Trump's hairstyle. Or is is it a failed attempt to conceal and inflated head? Until we are sure, and considering Mr Trump's recent behaviour, we must assume that he too has been replaced.
The world has many flashpoints at this time: Iran, Iraq, Syria, Turkey, the South China Sea, parts of Africa, Standing Rock, Hung Far Low's Chinese restaurant in Portland, Oregon. Yes, you name it, and you can find many other locations like these where global warfare could suddenly erupt.
But with the Mekons slowly gaining control of the White House, and possibly military establishments in the USA, they will be unstoppable. The world has to act now!
Firstly, all incumbents in the White House must be removed by force. Secondly, hand back the White House to the reptilians who merely want to enslave the human race rather than destroy them outright. Thirdly, we must shave Donald Trump's head and see what lies beneath that mass of hair.
We say to our many readers - yes, all five of them - you must act now! Get out there and raise the alarm. The future of this planet may depend entirely on what YOU can do!
Hopefully, we shall still be around in the coming weeks to bring you updates on this critical situation. Please stay tuned for such updates - as and when they appear.
God help the world in it's darkest hour. Amen.
Yes! We think it is going to happen! Theresa May is under pressure to put together a news team which will put forward the Tory message in the most effective way possible.
With most mainstream media providers under fire for putting our distortions, untruths, fake stories, Theresa May has decided to ask the only worldwide respected newsreader (and his team) to spearhead the Tory campaign.
The $64,000 question is this: Will the revered Mr Burgundy and his team lower their standards and risk their popularity to be seen helping the Tories?
So far there has been no reply and no indication if Mr Burgundy will accept this challenge.
Mrs Thatcher used Saatchi & Saatchi in successful campaigns in the late 70s and 80s. But with this firm now out of favour, the Tories are now short of any credible options.
We have seen how an effective advertising campaign can strongly influence the general public and the 'Labour's Not Working' poster campaign was an example of how to put over a powerful message.
But what about the Labour Party. Difference between the blue-shirted members and the Red Flag waving faction are not going to help the cause of the Party.
If anyone needs Mr Burgundy, it is the Labour Party. It will only be Mr Burgundy who can pull Labour back together as a fighting force and demands for his services are likely to be very high.
If Mr Burgundy decides to enter the fray, whose side will he chose? Will he go with the 'Wicked Witch of the West' and her Tories, or will he try to unite a divided Labour Party?
Over to you, Ron! We tentatively sit upon the edge of our seats waiting for your decision.