It was the best kept secret of all. While the world was focused on the experiments being carried out at CERN using their *Large Hadron Collider, a competing institution was also carrying out it's own experiments. This competing institution is known as CON-CERN, and the name was probably invented to belittle the experiments being conducted at CERN.
Now CON-CERN have gone public. Using inferior technological equipment, scientists at CON-CERN are claiming they have won the race to discover the 'God Particle'. At a secret location, somewhere in Europe, the scientists and highly-trained construction workers welded together aluminium dustbins and formed them into a large circle spanning a width of about 500 metres. Using a special coating inside the dustbins, and with the assistance of a laser-powered accelerator using old bicycle lamps, lawnmower engines and a large number of laser-pointer pens, the scientists were able to conduct their very own experiments. The results have been outstanding, said one of CON-CERN's top researchers. *Note: Their version of the Large Hadron Collider is called the 'PINA COLLIDER' (named after it's designer, Professor Pinaster).
CON-CERN's project was to recreate one of the most common particles in the known universe, but one which has previously been impossible to replicate. To begin the process of trying to make the 'God Particle', they first had to create a related particle which does exist is large quantities. Known as Critically Reactive Atomic Particles (or CRAP, for short), these were created so they could be fired into the PINA COLLIDER. But the results of this experiment were not as hoped for as the experiment suffered a critical failure.
Although, be it very briefly, the experiment was a success. But hard evidence was not available for the world to examine as the flash function failed on the digital camera being used by one of the scientists. However, what did emerge from the following incident was a 'God Anti-Particle' (GAP). What follows is a description of how the drama unfolded.
At the end of the experiment, the CRAP was supposed to impact upon a membrane made up of Super-Heated Ionised Titanium (SHIT, for short). But when the CRAP hit the SHIT, the SHIT was forced backwards onto a fan being used to cool (what was planned to be the God Particle) the resulting product. Initially, the CRAP was supposed to react with the SHIT membrane and create the God Particle. Sadly, the SHIT hit the fan and the resulting product was the GAP.
To make matters worse, the GAPs that were created escaped from the laboratory due to the explosion that took place as a result of the experiment. And although no scientists were injured in this incident, a warning has had to be issued to the general public. It seems the GAPs are attracted to biological matter, and especially neurons. At it's worst, a GAP can enter through the ear, via the nose, the eyes, or through and break in the skin on the head. Here, GAPs will lodge themselves in the brain of the affected person, who in turn will eventually lose the ability to think rationally.
What is of greater concern is that when the experiment was conducted, a large number of prominent politicians from countries all around the world were there to witness what was supposed to be a momentous occasion. All these politicians are now known to be affected and have GAPs in their heads.
Nobody knows if any CRAP also escaped during the experiment. But if you suffer from any politician giving you CRAP as a result of possible close-contact contamination, you are advised to move well away from them as quickly as possible.
Nobody knows where this will end. How much CRAP are these affected politicians carrying and how many other people will they infect? Nobody knows.
The plan has worked. The ruthless Theresa May sent out orders to capture strategic positions in Scotland. The campaign for two targetted regions was largely successful. There is only a small and rebellious element left in one of the regions which the Scottish Nationalists have refused to surrender (we expect a 'Battle of the Alamo' type of situation to develop there in the near future).
Theresa May sent out her orders to win ground in both the South of Scotland, and the Eastern Region of the country. It is believed that the Southern regions will be used to create a 'buffer zone' to prevent any Scottish invasion of England. The Eastern regions were captured to help defend England's sole rights to oil fields in the North Sea. Theresa May and her army of Tories now have a stanglehold on Scotland. To enhance the security of the border between England and Scotland, the Tories have also acquired the areas immediately to the South of the border. There is now a broad band of blue between England and Scotland which the Tories control.
Fakir News takes some credit from it's story on May 1st of this year when we warned of Theresa May's plans. People may have laughed at our claims (at least we hope you did) and shown contempt for our intelligence reports. But we have shown that there is some merit in what we have been saying.
The big question now is this: Is Theresa May sufficiently happy with her victories in Scotland? Our agent inside the Tory party tells us that Theresa May now has a glint in her eye and that she could be planning further gains in the Highlands. So, the planned invasion that may have taken place if the Scottish Nationalists had held their ground is now on the 'back-burner'. The new plan is now for Tory insurgents in other parts of Scotland to ferment rebellion.
"Ye'll take our land, but ye'll naer take our deep-fried confectionaries." - Scottish protestor, who, ironically, had painted his face blue.
As for the promise of help from the French for the Scottish Nationalists, this has now been abandoned. New French President, Emmanuel Macron, is reported to be hiding in a cupboard somewhere waiting for Theresa May to be deposed. As for the Americans, they will no longer be building a wall for the Scots. Donald Trump is said to be seriously considering moving all of his golfing interests to the new Tory-controlled administrative areas of the country. This will be a devastating blow for the Scottish Nationalists as tens of jobs will be lost when President Trump abandons his golf courses in the regions they still control. President Trump also plans to sell the land he owns to Middle Eatern countries, who are interested in using the land (and especially the sand bunkers) for 'training purposes'.
In a late update to our story, we have heard that to secure the newly acquired regions of Scotland, Therea May has ordered the Queen to send a full regiment of her finest fighting troops to Scotland to enure that any retaliation from the Scottish Nationalists will be met with severe force. The troops to be sent to Scotland will be the much-feared Royal Highland Regiment of Horrid Haggis Bashers.
The next few months will be critical. Will there be fighting in Scotland? Will Theresa May immediately move to capture move land? Only time will tell.
Who are the suspects? One-by-one, unofficial representatives of each of the mainstream parties has responded. Here are their statements:
(1) THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY.
"In the Conservative party, we proudly forge our own policies based upon all the worst aspects of human deprivation. These Loonies have nothing to offer our party as they are far more civilised than ourselves. Everything decent they stand for, we cannot tolerate. Conservative policies are firmly rooted in destroying the Welfare State, even to the extent of depriving the most needy of any right to be treated as human beings. As for those old age pensioners, they are living too long. We need to force them to gamble their futures on private pension funds and not to depend upon the State, albeit despite many years of contributions, to provide them with what they have paid for.
Then we have the environment. More nuclear power, we say. More money to build more submarines for our Navy. More fluoride in the water so they we can use the population to store more toxic waste in their bodies. Doesn't matter if they develop cancer or become brain-damaged. May kill off a few of those we are reluctant to finance before they are old enough to claim their State pensions.
Then there is 'Brexit'. This is an excuse for all our retailers to put up prices in the shops. Ten per cent? Twenty percent? We do not care. More revenue for the Government to spend recklessly.
Yes! We in the Conservative Party have nothing to gain from adopting, stealing or plagiarising Loony policies. We are proudly Right-Wing, Fascist dictators who are working towards a one-party state."
(2) THE LABOUR PARTY.
"The Labour Party has a proud, if albeit more recent tradition of loony policies. During the 'Thatcher War', our own army of loonies fought a long and arduous battle against the Iron lady. Sadly, we got beaten into a pile of crap each time our extremist left-wing policies were put before the British people. We have learned from those years in isolation and have no intent to repeat such a disastrous spell in opposition. So why would we use the policies of the Loonies and try to pretend they are our own. Our historical lunacy sets new boundaries in madness - something the Loonies could never aspire to. Having said all of this, we are trying to move more towards the centre ground. This is our only option as both left and right-wing elements in the Labour movement are in a tug-of-war competition to see who can emerge supreme. The left-wing wants to restore the basic principals of Socialism, whereas the right-wing of the movement want to align the Party closer to the Tories. Anything to win votes, they say.
All things considered, and I repeat this, the Loonies have nothing to offer us. They can teach us nothing. We wrote the book on lunacy, and if anything, they stole our ideas."
(3) THE LIBERAL-DEMOCRATIC PARTY.
"We are the weasels of the political world. We could never sum up the courage, the guile or the desire to adopt loony policies. We demonstrated that our main focus is on treachery towards our own grass-root members. We ably demonstrated this in 2010 when the Parliamentary group of MPs sold their souls and made a Devil's pact with the Conservatives. We, at least those of us in Westminster, made a great success of our alliance by being appointed to some important posts. In return, of course, we had to support the anti-human rights measures of the Conservatives. But we were sitting pretty - so who gives a damn! As for the suspicion that we are the ones who broke into the main office of the Monster Raving Loony Party, well, that is a preposterous suggestion. Our motto of 'Grovel, Self-Serve and Betray' is one ingrained into the ethos of our Parliamentarians. We therefore do not need lunacy in the Lib Dems. We are more than capable of taking care of our own selfish interests."
(4) THE UNITED KINGDOM INDEPENDENCE PARTY.
Editor's note: UKIP did not have much to say that is printable or relevant. However their unofficial representative's response follows ...
"Where's my (expletive deleted) ciggies and my (expletive deleted) real ale? Monster Raving Loonies? Who the (expletive deleted) are they? Those bunch of (expletive deleted) have nothing that would interest us. We are (expletive deleted) mental, not loonies. Look, mate: Our policies are based on being a disaffected group of Tory losers who just want to (expletive deleted) the Conservative Party and show them who is the (expletive deleted) boss. Do you get it, you (expletive deleted) trouble-making little (expletive deleted)."
Editor's further note: Here we ended the interview. The respondent had difficulty continuing his tirade due to collapsing onto the floor, and wetting his pants due to an excess of alcohol.
(5) THE GREEN PARTY.
Editor's note: the Greens did not give a full response to our inquiries. They said they are far to sensible, forward-looking and responsible to indulge in a defence of an accusation of possibly being involved in the alleged break-in of the Monster Raving Loony's main office. We at Fakir News accept that the Greens would not sink to this level. It is the domain of other mainstream parties to behave in a criminal fashion. We therefore consider the Greens fully absolved of any connection to this contentious issue.
So! Who did commit the alleged break-in? Who do you think is responsible? If you know, please inform us so we can expose the culprits.